On the bus yesterday as I passed New Cross, Peckham and Camberwell I couldn’t help but notice how many black boys were about the street! That combined with a discussion this week with a few male friends about black boys and the play about a black boy I had just watched made me think...
Right now everyone seems to be on this marriage hype. Predictable as it is as most of us have now graduated from uni, and are saving for our future and that future inevitably includes a man!
What was scary about the conversation was the fact that the young black man I was talking to himself seemed to have a lack of faith in black men as partners. He pretty much wished us luck and said we were doomed! The play depicted the stereotypical fate of many of our black boys on road. And the young men I saw on road all seemed at least on appearance to have been cut from the same cord. Pardon my ignorance!
So I began thinking...is it so that there are really no good black men out there anymore? My male friend in a nutshell said that he wouldn’t even advise any of us ladies to marry any of his boys because they are not serious. Many boys and men will lie, deceive and cheat and he painted a picture that reflected this as honest truth. Declaring that are very few men like himself that are not like that!
So I wonder whether in this day and age, where there are clearly a lot more females in the world than men, where men openly (in other countries)have multiple partners and the women accept it because they would rather be in a relationship than alone...whether we are really doomed.
I won’t lie, I have met very few examples of young black men that I look at and think ‘yeh, he’s marriage material’. Not because I have no faith in them as I really do. But one thing I note is that even if a black man is on point with many aspects of his life-his money’s right, he has a good house, close family, good job, ambition, even is religious...his downfall is women. And that my sisters, is the scary bit.
My male friend made an interesting observation when we challenged his argument stating that ‘religious men’ were still out there. His response was that no one wants a mosque/church boy! He claimed that girls all want the bad boy, the one with street credibility, who’s a bit cool. And I won’t lie, this bares much truth as women want a man who is tuff and can protect them, especially around here. But his imagery of the religious man was 1 dimensional. You can be both down with God and cool I think. I know a few like that I think. The problem is though, most men I have met do not know how to strike that balance. And that’s what’s worrying.
I have met a lot of guys with ‘multiple personality’ issues. They want to be Mr. Sweetboy religious boy when it suits them and so they can get the ‘good girl’ God fearing virgin. But they also want to be hard bodied, street rep man-dem who can get any girl. The two are not cut from the same cord. I find that young men who cannot draw a good enough balance between the two do this because they are so hungry for a woman that they will mould themselves by any means necessary to fit both sets of criteria. And the two don’t work together very well. I would prefer the former any day because its better in the long run.
Another thing I have noticed with experience, having an older brother and through the very few male ‘friends’ I have is that men will lie. Woman is mans weakness. Fact. And it takes a very strong man to ignore the advances of a woman, to ignore and fight his desires for women and to be completely honest and open with a woman. A man will often say almost anything to get a woman. And what is worrying is that my friend basically said that this behaviour carries on into marriage. If your with a boy who is constantly gassing you up with his lyrics and gassing up plenty others too, what makes you think that when that ring is on, he’s going to stop? A hungry man needs to be fed abi?! I find it really sad that boys and men can literally spit as many bars as necessary just to get a certain woman. And once that goal has been achieved, the sweet talk comes to an end. This is why I have come to understand that there is nothing appealing about boys who are very quick to shower you with a world of complements before even knowing you. It is very short lived and will be an on going problem. You find that guys like that tend to see women as conquests, once she has been conquered, be that by having her heart, her body or her mind, then they flip the script and are out. And I honestly don’t think these are the kind of men we should be marrying.
I can change him she says. He’ll be different with me. That’s all in his past. As much as it would be nice to believe all of that, who are you deceiving if not yourself? I don’t mean to generalise because men can change and are as imperfect as women but marriage is for life. And that is an important factor I have explored with one of my girls recently. It is for life, well at least that is the intention. It’s not about taking the risk in the hope that he will change when you’re married. Once a womaniser (be that subtle or extreme) almost always a womaniser. If he can’t look at just you now, who are you fooling in saying that he will once you are married. Even having a world of money, status and power isn’t enough-we spoke of Tiger Woods at length!
I find it distressing that a lot of females are in that dyer state which dictates that they must just find a man - to avoid being 40 year old unmarried aunty Kehinde! Lol!(She is hypothetical). Some will just marry no matter how many cracks there are because ‘at least I have him’, even if he is seriously waste. Hell no! For women who have kept themselves to themselves, have worked hard to mould themselves into amazing women, why should you settle for wide eyes brothers? So you are not single? I would rather be single than in a temporary marriage that will only last as long as he isn’t bored of me. Because when we got married I knew he had wide eyes but I believed that he would change.
And sisters don’t be fooled by the ‘religious man’ who fails to strike a balance. Who quotes a verse to you today but can’t lower his gaze in any way. Don’t compromise too much. Our men will only get away with as much as we allow them to. Until we stop being blind to their reality, we won’t be liberated from our own.
My final words are from a Quranic verse- 30:21 - 'And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquilty with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts; verily in that are signs for those who reflect'.
I believe in that. And sisters there really is time. Practice faith and patience. Yes it is from the deen to marry young, but marry young and get it right. Don’t rush into it with someone you barely know just because you want to be married. Mould yourself and be confident that God’s time is the perfect time. Guard your heart, guard your mind, and guard your love!
Still smiling!!!
