Wednesday 20 July 2011

Sometimes I just want to hang up my armour...

It's been a loooong minute! And it's a real shame that I'm writing a whole month and 11 days since my exams ended, and with a sad post but that will hopefully be uplifting for anyone that needs to read it!!!

So this year has been a real tuffy for me. Hence the lack of blogging despite the million and one thoughts that have run through my mind. Anyone who knows me knows I try and graft pretty hard. I'm a bit of a busyaholic in that I think I somewhat revel in the fact that I am constantly very busy with all kinds of things. This year its been the LPC which is the hardest most suckiest course I've ever done, working part-time and volunterring part-time alongside this sucky course (till March), then working full time in financial services (thank God, best job I've ever had) which is a alien field to me(after packing in my crappy pt gig); weddings, hen nights, birthdays, a holiday and only God knows what else.

As a woman I think I try and take on so much because I anticipate this is what my life is going to be like when I finally qualify as a solicitor, God willing! But I also wonder if I'm shooting myself in the foot by over exherting myself while I'm in my prime thus exposing myself to stress related illness and health issues which have also added to my portfolio for 2011!!!

This weekend I worked for the first time since I started this new job four months ago. It was weird being in a city office in normal clothes on the weekend. Empty, black screens, coffee machine switched off and only IT guys around. And while I'm fairly exhausted now, come Friday I will have worked 12 days straight and will probably be experiencing extreme fatigue.

So given that I have TRIED to do all this and keep up with my social calender which I both thank God for because its always full of life but resent because I think I go out way too much and enjoy doing so a bit too much; I occasionally get knocked down down pretty hard in ways I seldom anticipate which begs the question; should I just hang my armour up now? A soldier (as I call myself when I work like a dog then go to the library) will either win or loose a battle right? So I wonder when we should sit down and accept defeat. Is it when we black out alone on a public bus? When we fail an exam we were sure we passed? Or when we loose a loved one out of the blue?

God tells us, in fact promises that 'with hardship comes ease' and He repeats this just to enthasise His promise to us but its so easy to wonder how much hardship one is supposed to face before this ease comes into play. Islam teaches that God tests the ones he loves most. And these tests are never easy. But I wonder whether we should give in and accept failure because surely we can't pass every test?

So while I sit here (in the office) whining in my head about a situations I do not believe I should be in considering all I do in attempt to work hard, study, make money, please people and build on my experience, I realise that though struggle is relative to ones situation; thankfully I will never face a famine(like our dear brothers in East Africa are, I do have an education as extortionate and sucky as it may be currently, I have a well paid job, food on the table, shelter, a family and friends so perhaps the thought of hanging up my armour is an insult to all I have been blessed with.

Most battles are fought with armies of men. But only the strongest survive. Some people will never have to go to war but their demons will be ones another will never have to face. But in this life everyone's battle is different. Everyone has a different shine on their armour. Mine is gold at times but at times it gets awfully rusty and it takes a whole lot to spit shine that bad boy suit to its original state. Often that process can be physically, mentally and emotionally draining but each time I shine that metalic armour its coated with another level of thickness. In the hope that the next time I get hit, I feel but a scratch.

So though right now I'm really wanting to hang up my armour. But when I think about the battle I am facing and the war that is to come,I realise I want my armour to be thick and shiny enough to fight this war we call life so I keep pressing on, fighting through till I attain successs. Because soldiers never give up and I sure know how to fight!

...Still smiling...though a little injured! ;)