Friday 25 June 2010

Wide Eyed Black Men - Since we're on this marriage hype!!!



On the bus yesterday as I passed New Cross, Peckham and Camberwell I couldn’t help but notice how many black boys were about the street! That combined with a discussion this week with a few male friends about black boys and the play about a black boy I had just watched made me think...

Right now everyone seems to be on this marriage hype. Predictable as it is as most of us have now graduated from uni, and are saving for our future and that future inevitably includes a man!

What was scary about the conversation was the fact that the young black man I was talking to himself seemed to have a lack of faith in black men as partners. He pretty much wished us luck and said we were doomed! The play depicted the stereotypical fate of many of our black boys on road. And the young men I saw on road all seemed at least on appearance to have been cut from the same cord. Pardon my ignorance!

So I began thinking...is it so that there are really no good black men out there anymore? My male friend in a nutshell said that he wouldn’t even advise any of us ladies to marry any of his boys because they are not serious. Many boys and men will lie, deceive and cheat and he painted a picture that reflected this as honest truth. Declaring that are very few men like himself that are not like that!
So I wonder whether in this day and age, where there are clearly a lot more females in the world than men, where men openly (in other countries)have multiple partners and the women accept it because they would rather be in a relationship than alone...whether we are really doomed.

I won’t lie, I have met very few examples of young black men that I look at and think ‘yeh, he’s marriage material’. Not because I have no faith in them as I really do. But one thing I note is that even if a black man is on point with many aspects of his life-his money’s right, he has a good house, close family, good job, ambition, even is religious...his downfall is women. And that my sisters, is the scary bit.

My male friend made an interesting observation when we challenged his argument stating that ‘religious men’ were still out there. His response was that no one wants a mosque/church boy! He claimed that girls all want the bad boy, the one with street credibility, who’s a bit cool. And I won’t lie, this bares much truth as women want a man who is tuff and can protect them, especially around here. But his imagery of the religious man was 1 dimensional. You can be both down with God and cool I think. I know a few like that I think. The problem is though, most men I have met do not know how to strike that balance. And that’s what’s worrying.

I have met a lot of guys with ‘multiple personality’ issues. They want to be Mr. Sweetboy religious boy when it suits them and so they can get the ‘good girl’ God fearing virgin. But they also want to be hard bodied, street rep man-dem who can get any girl. The two are not cut from the same cord. I find that young men who cannot draw a good enough balance between the two do this because they are so hungry for a woman that they will mould themselves by any means necessary to fit both sets of criteria. And the two don’t work together very well. I would prefer the former any day because its better in the long run.

Another thing I have noticed with experience, having an older brother and through the very few male ‘friends’ I have is that men will lie. Woman is mans weakness. Fact. And it takes a very strong man to ignore the advances of a woman, to ignore and fight his desires for women and to be completely honest and open with a woman. A man will often say almost anything to get a woman. And what is worrying is that my friend basically said that this behaviour carries on into marriage. If your with a boy who is constantly gassing you up with his lyrics and gassing up plenty others too, what makes you think that when that ring is on, he’s going to stop? A hungry man needs to be fed abi?! I find it really sad that boys and men can literally spit as many bars as necessary just to get a certain woman. And once that goal has been achieved, the sweet talk comes to an end. This is why I have come to understand that there is nothing appealing about boys who are very quick to shower you with a world of complements before even knowing you. It is very short lived and will be an on going problem. You find that guys like that tend to see women as conquests, once she has been conquered, be that by having her heart, her body or her mind, then they flip the script and are out. And I honestly don’t think these are the kind of men we should be marrying.

I can change him she says. He’ll be different with me. That’s all in his past. As much as it would be nice to believe all of that, who are you deceiving if not yourself? I don’t mean to generalise because men can change and are as imperfect as women but marriage is for life. And that is an important factor I have explored with one of my girls recently. It is for life, well at least that is the intention. It’s not about taking the risk in the hope that he will change when you’re married. Once a womaniser (be that subtle or extreme) almost always a womaniser. If he can’t look at just you now, who are you fooling in saying that he will once you are married. Even having a world of money, status and power isn’t enough-we spoke of Tiger Woods at length!

I find it distressing that a lot of females are in that dyer state which dictates that they must just find a man - to avoid being 40 year old unmarried aunty Kehinde! Lol!(She is hypothetical). Some will just marry no matter how many cracks there are because ‘at least I have him’, even if he is seriously waste. Hell no! For women who have kept themselves to themselves, have worked hard to mould themselves into amazing women, why should you settle for wide eyes brothers? So you are not single? I would rather be single than in a temporary marriage that will only last as long as he isn’t bored of me. Because when we got married I knew he had wide eyes but I believed that he would change.

And sisters don’t be fooled by the ‘religious man’ who fails to strike a balance. Who quotes a verse to you today but can’t lower his gaze in any way. Don’t compromise too much. Our men will only get away with as much as we allow them to. Until we stop being blind to their reality, we won’t be liberated from our own.

My final words are from a Quranic verse- 30:21 - 'And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquilty with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts; verily in that are signs for those who reflect'.

I believe in that. And sisters there really is time. Practice faith and patience. Yes it is from the deen to marry young, but marry young and get it right. Don’t rush into it with someone you barely know just because you want to be married. Mould yourself and be confident that God’s time is the perfect time. Guard your heart, guard your mind, and guard your love!
Still smiling!!!

Tuesday 15 June 2010

Open Your Eyes

To the reality of the world in which we reside
In which we claim to have pride
When millions died
For us
For our freedom
Our elevation
Our emancipation

Of the masses
Yet they took us again
And they have us now like they had us then
Colonising our lands, now still
Embedding in our systems
A system of corruption

So scared they'll loose it all
They embezzle, look out for them and theirs
Then they raped the natural resources from our land
Like we rip the wool from a sheep
Digging up our ground while we sleep
Cutting holes in the Niger Delta
Its so deep
Now oil's spilling and costing them billions
Karma goes steep!

Countries left in debry
Governments so blind the rich cannot see
And yet you tell me
To close my eyes
To the very world surrounding me

Walk everyday
Not even aware
Dare I even stare
At the reality killing our motherland
Taken by another man
Controlled by the other land

So you close your eyes to the politics that surround us
Controls our infrastructure
Our everyday lives
You don't know f your left or right
Yet the party you oppose takes power and creates your plight

And you do nothing to be aware
Claim to give your heart to poverty
Yet you give nothing away
Not even your mind
The UN's millennium development poverty goals wont happen without us
But your apart of the movement right?

And then when we think we are there
They tell us to dilute ourselves
Bit of bleach here and there
Loreal and Neautrogena say so, so its ok
Then they cast us down when we don't conform

And our brethren have become so immune to death
That we copy their every step
Killing in cold blood
What's next?

So I'm worried we won't open our eyes
Continue to be slaves to consumerism
As they target the weak
We don't open books
So our eyes remain closed

We must elevate ourselves from this position
Though I know
Only God knows

Tuesday 8 June 2010

Kenyan Diaries: Lessons from the Motherland














24th May

Final full day in our village in Thigio. I'm sad to leave but so ready to return to my life. A life which I love. Amazing friends who are loving supportive and close to my heart. A family of whom I have learnt to value so much more with age. My funny big brizzle, smart allic lil sis and odd older sister! And all my extended relatives who I love and will hopefully become closer to. Family ties are hugely important. We need to keep each other close because we are eternally linked. Family should always come first. And we must be unified in that thought. Charity begins at home as my mother says.

And finally myself and my Lord. I am happy with who God has made me. I mean that in the most humble of ways as I am still growing. For as long as I can remember I have been somewhat God conscious. In my teens I was stoosh but fun loving and during womanhood I have become very confident but focused, goofy and spiritually conscious. Yesterday at the awards night I won two awards. Most stylish person and most confrontational. The former was especially nice because in week two I was texting Mary telling her I had left al my normal attire at home at the fear of being too obvious but a bunch of white people (with two blacks)is obvious anyway. I soon got over that vanity trip but it did show me that I do watch my appearance so I guess I was happy I didn't let slip with my oh so limited wardrobe! Fashion is an interest of mine in a way but its more of a natural thing. In that I don;t try and follow fashion, I just make what I like work for me. In the most modest way, though I have to work on that. At least the award meant that people noted that you can be fly and modest and Muslim all at the same time!!!

The latter award I take light heartedly. I am a confident and somewhat outspoken woman. I discovered how much I dislike bad manners, incompetence and injustice. Therefore I speak out against it as I just can't help it. To me it makes me a strong woman. After the Gakomba market incident I felt really bad as a volunteer kept telling me how scared she was of me when I got angry. I hated the idea of being so mad I scare people. So of course I still need to control my anger. But at times I held back saying what I thought in fear of sounding too domineering or something. Luckily the lovely friends I made reminded me through notes they wrote me that there is nothing wrong with speaking your mind. They gassed me up about it really. So I guess I will continue to speak up against anything I don't believe in. We need that in the world. Imma be like Rosa Parks and keep my arse on that seat! I suppose the lawyer in me likes to challenge, debate and discuss things I am passionate about. But I will irradicate the ghetto scary woman that comes out ever so often!

My alter ego 'Joan' is a bit of fun. Not to be taken seriously. My award for the latter actually said 'Alimah/Joan'! How funny! She's a goofy character from Girlfriends who people say I act like. And giving out my own awards at the awards night (The Joany's) was such a Joan thing to do!!!The pic above is of me and all the happy Joany benefactors!!!

Life from here on out won't radically change. I won't lie. I live a decent life already I think. I will 100% put my theory of balance into practice (I in fact have a powerful blog about that to write). I will spend more time outdoors, marvelling at God's creation. I will certainly read a whole lot more and watch very little t.v (it does so little for me now) and work harder than I ever have.

I intend on volunteering more and actually getting involved in politics and anything that will help make poverty, corruption and climate change history!

Most of all I will love more, God so loved me that He has led me to His perfect deen and given me a happy life. The least I can do is serve Him in love and show love to the world.

Still smiling!